Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
