Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
