Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
