is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
