the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
