Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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