It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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