"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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