is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
