Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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