I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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