Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
