If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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