Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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