Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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