im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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