You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hello my rib-scented angel!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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