dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
