I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
