Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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