what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
