disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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