What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
