Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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