as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
