I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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