Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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