Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
the gays at disneyland are vicious
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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