i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
