Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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