dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
