I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Randomize
