"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
