Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
