the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
