Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
