hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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