i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
