I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
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He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
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Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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