I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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