i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I am available for nakedness
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
