i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
