sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i will never coherently bang her
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
