At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize