eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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