i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.