I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's