The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!