So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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