I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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