u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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