My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
