In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
