Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
