sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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