when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
