A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
