if you like me you must not know who I am
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
