Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Girls should come with a carfax report
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
