i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
