ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
