it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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