Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
my poor anus
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize